The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money