The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
You Might Also Like
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
yeet
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla