The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.