The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?