the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
But that’s none of my business
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
me
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Left at a local drug store…
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
they split up moments later
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.