The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit