The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?