The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
You Might Also Like
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.