The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I know
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.