I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Ah yes. The three genders
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Holy shit he’s back
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread