The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing