Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to Stop for this

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person