The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.