The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.