The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
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There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My Sentiments Exactly
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit