Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

My mom texting me from an anime convention

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Who did this…? 💫⚡️