Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i spent way too long on this

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Bruh PLEASE

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.