Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.