@YUCKYBOT

The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.

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@XplodingUnicorn

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

@ch000ch

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@AristotlesNZ

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@Parentpains

The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.

@Stellar_AF

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone