Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.