The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.