The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?