The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
when she block me on everything
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.