Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

peep davidson

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.