The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*orders delivery*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.