The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.