The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.