The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?