Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

You’re never alone. Theres mold

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.