The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I only treason on days ending in y
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
TODAY
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Monday
