The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.