The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..![]()
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Happy Halloween 🎃
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
asked my bf how work was today
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”