Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

*puts cutlery down*

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.