The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit