The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
