The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me