The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
My life in a nutshell
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.