The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze