“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The dinosaurs died for our sins.
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male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– space bar
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic
assistant: very attractive, sir
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.