Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

yes… yes…

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart