The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.