Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss