Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this