The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*