The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
