Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

There’s only one good girl here!

me refusing to leave twitter

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.