Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.