The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.