I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Saturday
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
j o i m p
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.