The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
when you are just born a rebel
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
#SCOTUS one-star review
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907