The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
You Might Also Like
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Egyptians don’t walk like that.