The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
They did not think through this water fountain
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.