The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
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Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?