Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.