Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.