Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?