Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.