the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Always 🥴
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!