the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.