Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360