the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

You Might Also Like


ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–



Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.


Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.


Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud


What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?


My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.


So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.


For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.