the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?


This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.


Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.


Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk


Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.


The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.


SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!