@sbellelauren

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

You Might Also Like

@mynameisntdave

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

@JermHimselfish

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

@SevSnapeProf

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

@david8hughes

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

@alispagnola

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

@mjkspeaks

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@BBQJones28

For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.