@sbellelauren
@ddsmidt
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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@ddsmidt
@JimmerThatisAll
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
@mikeleffingwell
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
@toomanycommas3
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
@kristinb5150
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
@aissalanis
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
@jollyrobber
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
@SamGrittner
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
@matt_simpson84
The best thing about Facebook is learning about all the 19-year-olds that miss the 80s.
@TheToddWilliams
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!