@sbellelauren

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

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@ShesAllNat

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

@fightgeek

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@JacobAWare

The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.

@nyquills

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

@Underchilde

Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.

@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@ItsAndyRyan

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

@joeljeffrey

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360