ME: I love u
ME: and I wanna be with u always
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn’t make that movie sound…at all.