the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.


sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people


“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.


The only appropriate response to “how are you” is the sound made by squeezing an almost empty mustard bottle.


Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all


Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something


Bring spoiled food to work enough and your coworkers eventually stop eating anything with your name on it.


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many


This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360