the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
You Might Also Like
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Batman v Dracula
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
How do you like your Corgi?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way