Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda