The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.