The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Happy Halloween 🎃
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Natural selection at its finest
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry