The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Customize Your Wedding.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
plums roundup
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder