the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea