the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.