the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
🚲+physics = winner