The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You Might Also Like
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
