The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Alexa turn off the planet
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.