The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean