The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel