Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

😂🥴

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.