[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Please do it!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Yes
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳