Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”