The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs