The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
happy friday
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.