Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

(yawn)

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

You are not alone 💚

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.